It's really who you are.

Not how you dress, what make-up you wear, what bands you listen to. When you say “That's the way I am”, it's the truth. I say that in case you had any doubts.

I grew up far away from everything, in a tiny village near a larger village that was near an even smaller village, that was near a very small town, that was near a not-so-small town. It was in the small town that I began my higher education.

By then, I was already who I was. I wasn't listening to goth rock, metal or anything, really. My 80s weren't THE 80s. At home, it was all about pop, Michael Jackson and Madonna. The tough guys listened to hard rock, Bon Jovi, Poison and Scorpion, and none of it meant anything to me. I liked Metallica, but the rest of the heavy metal stuff just slipped away. I spent my time in libraries, reading science fiction and comics.

Nothing influenced me. I missed out on Tim Burton's films. I didn't see Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands until much later. I discovered on my own my love for the Romantic poets, Hugo and Baudelaire in particular. I developed an interest, then a passion, for fantasy literature, all on my own. My interests were met with scorn, and I soon learned to hide them.

I liked to dress in black, too. Not to look like anyone in particular. I thought it was elegant, it seemed natural, it made me feel good. But I'll say it again: there wasn't a single prominent member of what people then called the “alternative” scene in this town.

There were a few flashes of lightning in this sunny night. One day, my brother received a free record with his Arena Rock subscription. It was Bloody Kisses by Type O Negative. I felt as if a place in my heart had been left blank, silent and empty, waiting for that record.

I continued my studies in a bigger city. There, I found people who were a bit like me. The geek I'd always been was able to blossom. My reading was a topic of conversation, not suspicion, even if I was always the only one feeding my own passion. My friends were my guides, introducing me to industrial, punk and EBM. I grew up a bit. Still not a goth in sight. I saw the film The Crow in the cinema, and liked Brandon Lee's get-up. He was my first gothic influence, now that I think about it.

Over time, and in my late twenties, I went the other way, discovering The Cure, then Sisters of Mercy (long my favorite band), then Bauhaus, then Siouxie and the Banshees. 

People noticed that I always dressed in black, so they thought I liked horror movies. For me, horror was a genre like any other, there was good and bad. But, of necessity, the amateurs came to talk to me about their passion, and I had to watch everything they recommended. Little by little, I became something of an authority.

And I learned, from others, that I was a Goth.

I never became a Goth. I simply followed the course of my tastes and aspirations. This term, attached to my person, came from others. I hadn't wanted to resemble anyone. I hadn't forced my musical tastes to fit into a clique.

Eventually, the biggest city became too small. The time had come to leave for the metropolis. There, I went to gothic parties, bought clothes and accessories in gothic boutiques, and even frequented the fetish scene. When I talked about my literary and musical tastes, they immediately struck a chord. This personality, developed in solitude, could finally blossom among like-minded people.

They'll talk about phase, they'll wonder, they'll fear for you. But you love what you love, you are who you are.